Alone

I went into the dark alone.

I have not always been this brave, facing my fears in one voluntary confrontation. And I have never been fierce, anyone could tell you that. I am over-cautious and exact. I am weak and impressionable. You must deduce from these things that I have never fought my own battles against anyone else, that I have hovered in the shadows of those stronger and more important individuals for years. While others took action, I took observations and calculations and meditations on what life could mean. And you, or anyone else, might say that I was missing out, but I saw things you never knew were there.

But as I stood on the threshold, it occurred to me that maybe my past, all that knowledge and all those feeble connections that I had gained, maybe that time was meaningless now, as I was about to be overcome by a trauma I could not be sure to conquer.

The dark was here, and I was alone. A thought sparked within my spinning consciousness.
nothing.
The thought of it was frustratingly empty, all worlds, all beings, and all ideas consumed by a tiny dot, that in itself does not even exist.
nothing was too much to fathom
so i tried to find my way around.
i was frightened and trembling. i was dying, fading to gray as my worth disintegrated before me.
i could not speak it or breathe uneasily,
but i knew; my value was

criticism from every direction; i felt it in my tired brain though my eyes could never discern it. my weary heart beat on, measuring the passing time. how long would this endure?

sadness flowed like a ribbon in the air, tying strikingly beautiful knots at every place that ever mattered, on every touch, my mouth was filled with sweetness that turned bitter instantly my broken spirit had fallen to some frosty degree as if you needed me i would never... forget.
i let go of it.

I landed torn upon the plane of reality, knowing I had lost this time. My mistake seemed to make a mountain to block my progress, and could I not be afraid? Could I be stronger and more important? Or would I be a useless echo of everything that anyone else had ever done..?

My hand was cold and vacant. And though the dark subsided, my trepidation had only increased with every second as i realized
i was still.
alone.

unable to forget